PEEVE DU JOUR #11

Too Much Paper, Man

If I sent letters to my friends like the crap-filled letters my credit card company, cable company or bank sent me, I'd be spending a small fortune on postage, killing about three trees a week and filling my friends' recycle bins with my share of the forest.

Every time I open an envelope from my credit card company I have to sift through 5 to 10 postcard-sized ads, colorful flyers that show me what I can get for free if I buy something first, time-sensitive offers that expired yesterday, discount notices, buy one - get one free certificates for a salt-and-cheese pizza from some pizza joint in the next county, and manufacturer's coupons for things I've managed to live without for decades, before I find the invoice or statement. And when I finally get to the invoice or statement, no matter how carefully I remove it from the envelope, yet another piece of crap will flutter out and fall to the floor.

Actually, fluttering to the floor wouldn't be so bad, but I never realized how strong the wind was under my kitchen table, and it always blows the piece of paper into the most remote corner of the kitchen, reachable only with one of those old- fashioned grocery store pincher-grabber gizmos for plucking things off the top shelf of Maxwell's Delicatessen without resorting to a ladder.

And the return envelope always has a secondary flap on the back, with more useless information, that I have to remove before sealing the main flap. Ever seal the envelope before you removed the secondary flap? After the glue has dried you realize your mistake and the only way to fix it is with duct tape.

Finally, after sealing the envelope with extreme prejudice, I discover the check still sitting on the table because I forgot to put it in the envelope.

Then I find out I only have a pack of 2¢ stamps left over from the last rate increase.

I guess there's something to be said for online banking and bill paying.

But I gotta wonder - if I'm getting 12 pounds of paper crap in my mail every week, and companies are sending the same mail out to millions of customers, is that really the best use of a tree?

And don't get me started on the ads I've been getting from The Scooter Store!