PEEVE DU JOUR #13

There's a half a glass of water on my table...

We've all heard the hoary old adage that claims "The OPTIMIST sees his glass as half full and the PESSIMIST sees his glass as half empty."

Just typing it produces a flood of colorful expletives in my throat, snarling to get out.

Be happy you have a half a glass of anything.

The REALIST asks...

"How big is the glass? Is it an Oktoberfest beer stein on wheels with two handles and a lid or is it a champagne flute with a cute little stem?"

"Was it full before you came along or was it empty to begin with?"

"Are you trying to fill a half-empty glass or are you emptying it?"

"Are you putting the contents to good use, beneficial to the global community or are you draining it for personal gain?"

"Did you already drink your half and now you're saving the other half for your neighbor?"

"Are you drinking from a full glass and now you're whining because there's only a half glass left?"

"Or are you drinking from a half glass knowing it will soon be a drained glass?"

"Are you peeing in the glass and YOU'RE only half empty?"

"Are you completely full of shit or half full of shit?"

I think a real optimist would relish the idea of a glass that's half empty. It indicates accomplishment and synchronicity with the universe. Conversely, the true pessimist would love a glass that's half full because it indicates one's inability to achieve fulfillment and an acknowledgment of man's utter failure to communicate with the dead.

I like a double shot glass filled to the brim with a fine bourbon which I quickly make completely empty, followed by a good bartender who fills it with another double snort of fine bourbon on the house.

What if your glass is 75% full and 25% empty? What the hell does that mean?

If you live alone is your bed half full or half empty when you sleep in it?

If your backyard swimming pool is filled to the brim and a hippopotamus sneaks in at night, is it completely full or is the circus in town?

The mind boggles.