Peeve du Jour

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Location: Los Angeles, CA

Gotta see what's around that bend in the road. Send comments to:

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


Attention Old People

Introspective observations of a curmudgeonly geezer-avoidance advocate.

At what point do old people start acting like old people? I'm convinced people act their age primarily because other people keep reminding them what their age is, and those other people have some misguided notion of how you're supposed to act at that age. Before you know it, you're looking at catalogs from The Scooter Store and The Neptune Society. If you'd just ignore those other people you wouldn't be acting like some old fart.

I know a lot of lively, intense and creative people who ignore the annual candle-lit sing-alongs that celebrate another walker-assisted step away from childhood. They draw cartoons, they tell jokes, they sing, they write, they dance, they teach, they use their brains for some sort of creative endeavor, and they do it as much as possible with like-minded people.

If you're surrounded by old people who act like old people who constantly invite you to join the Misery-Loves Co., Inc., find some new friends. And by new, I mean younger, smarter, livelier and more curious and who haven't given up yet. They're learning, observing, experimenting, exploring and creating. There's so much more to do than The Price is Right and Oprah. Stop watching what everyone else is doing, get off your ever-widening butt and let people watch what you're doing for a change.

Get up, get out and do something. Stop frittering away the hours reading the obituaries and remembering lost youth. Get to know some people who are not in the obituaries yet, and start creating new memories by reenacting Great Moments from Lost Youth. Stop lamenting the things you never got to do and go do them. Quit blowing the entire day groaning about what hurts, how much and how often and start thinking about ways to get laid.

Oops. Nap time...

Friday, September 18, 2009


Kanye West Part 2

Just read where Kanye West is going on the road. Hope it's the road to oblivion.


Too Much Paper, Man

If I sent letters to my friends like the crap-filled letters my credit card company, cable company or bank sent me, I'd be spending a small fortune on postage, killing about three trees a week and filling my friends' recycle bins with my share of the forest.

Every time I open an envelope from my credit card company I have to sift through 5 to 10 postcard-sized ads, colorful flyers that show me what I can get for free if I buy something first, time-sensitive offers that expired yesterday, discount notices, buy one - get one free certificates for a salt-and-cheese pizza from some pizza joint in the next county, and manufacturer's coupons for things I've managed to live without for decades, before I find the invoice or statement. And when I finally get to the invoice or statement, no matter how carefully I remove it from the envelope, yet another piece of crap will flutter out and fall to the floor.

Actually, fluttering to the floor wouldn't be so bad, but I never realized how strong the wind was under my kitchen table, and it always blows the piece of paper into the most remote corner of the kitchen, reachable only with one of those old- fashioned grocery store pincher-grabber gizmos for plucking things off the top shelf of Maxwell's Delicatessen without resorting to a ladder.

And the return envelope always has a secondary flap on the back, with more useless information, that I have to remove before sealing the main flap. Ever seal the envelope before you removed the secondary flap? After the glue has dried you realize your mistake and the only way to fix it is with duct tape.

Finally, after sealing the envelope with extreme prejudice, I discover the check still sitting on the table because I forgot to put it in the envelope.

Then I find out I only have a pack of 2ยข stamps left over from the last rate increase.

I guess there's something to be said for online banking and bill paying.

But I gotta wonder - if I'm getting 12 pounds of paper crap in my mail every week, and companies are sending the same mail out to millions of customers, is that really the best use of a tree?

And don't get me started on the ads I've been getting from The Scooter Store!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Kanye West

I didn't watch the Video Music Awards Sunday and, in fact, didn't even know about them. Even if I did know about them, I wouldn't have watched. I really, REALLY don't care.

But I do care about what happened between the new world class ass Kanye West and VMA winner Taylor Swift. Some people blame his behavior on alcohol. I always felt that alcohol simply allows people to be who they really are and if they are offensive or act stupidly, they just blame it on the alcohol. This implies that Kanye West is a sweetheart who was corrupted by the evil alcohol. What a bunch of shit. The guy's an ass of the first order whether he drinks or not.

Friday, September 04, 2009


Michael Jackson, ad infinitum, ad nauseum...

The Michael Jackson Burial Tour

Seventy days after his death, Michael Jackson is still in the news. Yeah, I don't know why, either. Last night he was supposedly buried at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale, CA.

Next month he'll be buried at Hollywood Forever in Hollywood. In November he'll be buried in Paris next to Jim Morrison. He'll be back in Encino for the holidays then appear as the Grand Marshal for the 121st Tournament of Roses in Pasadena. All the dead flowers from previous burials will decorate the special Thriller float.

Early in 2010 Jackson will be buried in Zoshigaya Cemetery in Tokyo, in a grave-site adjoining that of Irish-American author Lafcadio Hearn. Tentative arrangements have been made for Jackson to be buried for one week with Brigham Young and his family in a small cemetery on First Avenue between State Street and A Street in Salt Lake City, Utah. In the spring, Jackson will be at Graceland for six weeks and after that his body will be on view at an animal sanctuary in Florida where Jackson's beloved pet chimp, Bubbles, still resides.

The future itinerary for Jackson's body includes The Kremlin (two months in the currently vacant Lenin's Tomb), three months in Dubai, a burial at sea off the coast of Mexico, and two surprise appearances at The Haunted Mansion and the Peter Pan ride at Disneyland.

Joe Jackson, the Jackson family patriarch, has established the Michael Jackson Burial Society (MJBS) and is now taking reservations from anyone who wants to have Michael buried in their hometown, high school or back yard. The fee is just $15,000 per day, 7 day minimum.

Some observers have speculated that Jackson was secretly buried six weeks ago at an undisclosed site somewhere on the Neverland Ranch but there is no evidence to support that claim. Others claim that Jackson is alive and well and living in Las Vegas.

Still others claim that the Michael Jackson figure at The Hollywood Wax Museum really is Michael Jackson. Pieces of the figure keep falling off and disappearing, but none of that has been attributed to public vandalism.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009


Look at the Camera and Smile.

Flip through any magazine and look at the pictures of people. Whether in articles or ads, they're all looking at the camera and smiling. Is this the only acceptable way of showing people? Looking at us and smiling? Straight-on shot, facing a face.

How about a nice 3/4 shot once in awhile? Maybe even a profile shot of them doing something. They're never doing anything, except looking at us and smiling.

What school of journalistic photography taught every student that they had to have a picture of the subject looking at the reader and smiling. I want to observe them and what they're doing.

I don't want celebrities, models or strangers all looking at me and smiling. Makes me want to edit my Profile Photo.

In fact, I did, as soon as I found another photo of me in 3/4 and not smiling.

The not smiling part came easy.

Here's some people not looking at me and some of them not even smiling. Much more interesting.

Some of them even look like they're focused on something besides me. Like that sushi chef, or that woodworker, both focused on what they're doing. So I'm focused on what they're doing, and not smiling at them like a Cheshire Cat.

Or the guy who's reading. I'd much rather look at him reading his book than for him to look at me reading his ad.

Or the people talking to each other. I like looking at people having a conversation with each other.

Leave me out of it.